What is Reality?

 I kinda liked my job. I really did. Every part of it was almost like a rotation. A solid rotation that was done continuously. It was something I could do on auto-pilot. The restaurant was a place I absolutely loved working at. My coworkers were so kind and they often helped out in the best of ways. 

But it was constant. Not 24/7 constant but constant enough to where I’d work, go home, go to sleep, wake up, and do it all over again. I had a couple days off a week but they weren’t back to back. The back to back days off would’ve been nice but at the same time, it irked me badly to not do anything. 

I needed to be active. I needed something to do. I needed consistency. I loved my consistency and the structure it led to. 

So my days off were the same each and every week. I hoped that it would actually lead to some sort of ease at the end of the day, knowing that the next day would be busy. A day for relaxation and chores to be done. Every other day was spent working the busy mornings or the busy nights or even busy doubles. 

Was that the best way to really go about life? Absolutely not. Did it really matter all that much? Not to me. I just wanted to go to work and then go home. 

I only ever had four tables at a time. There were often times where I ended up being double sat but I just did my best to get to each of them as quickly as I could. This shift was one of those times. 

I plastered on a smile as I took out my notepad, opening it up to a fresh page. “Hey friends, how are y’all doing today?” I asked them. My voice was saccharinely sweet, forcing myself to act as if I was truly wanting to know. 

The family was a group of four, a woman, a man, and two kids. They both had to be under the age of ten. Great! Kinda. Wasn’t too fond of serving kids. The woman - the mom, I guess - smiled up at me from the seat, “Hi! We’re doing fine! Absolutely starving!” I nodded with a smile as she laughed at her own joke. “Alright, so I would like a Long Island, he wants a Miller Lite, and the two little ones will just have some water.” 

I nodded again, writing it down even though I hadn’t really needed to. “Awesome! I’ll get those in for y’all right away,” I said, looking back up with a tilted head. “Anything else, some mozzarella sticks, fried pickles, anything like that?” 

“No thanks, that’s it,” the mom said, the cheery smile having quickly left as she waved me off. Ah. Alright. I turned away and headed to the other table that had just sat down. I was about to start off on my spiel but before I could get a word out, the woman called out, “Hello? We still don’t have our drinks!” 

I blinked slowly before looking back, “I’ll get them out as soon as I can, ma’am!” Part of me really wanted to not ring them in and just ignore the group but that would probably earn me a write up. Which I really couldn’t have. Turning back once again, I smiled tensely. 

It was a couple, who had to be in their mid or late twenties. The girl gave me an annoyed side-eye. Alright. One of these couples where the girl is insecure and will probably think I’m flirting with her boyfriend. “Hey, friends, how are y’all doing today?” 

The girl’s nose scrunched up in, I guess disgust. “Well, uh, we aren’t your friends, first of all,” she grumbled. Snarky! Awesome! My jaw clenched. 

“Right. Sorry about that…. Anyways can I-”

“Yeah, I wasn’t finished?” she snapped, snapping the menu closed. “I just want a Dr. Pepper and he’ll take a water.” I wrote down their drinks and nodded, looking back up to them. “I also just wanna get chips and queso.” 

I wrote it down and nodded with a smile. “Yeah, no worries! I’ll go get those in for you and I’ll be back around soon,” I told them, keeping an upbeat personality. As soon as I went to the POS machine, it completely faded. 

One of my coworkers came up to me, leaning against the wall as they rang in their own orders on another POS machine. “Have you rang in table 37 yet? They said they’re still waiting on their drinks,” she said, looking over with an apologetic mile. 

I huffed as I hit the ‘order’ button. “Just did. I took their drinks like, maybe five minutes ago. Definitely no longer than ten minutes ago,” I grumbled. “I can already tell this is gonna be a long shift.”

Indeed, it had been such a long shift. The family kept asking about things that they literally just rang in. For the couple, the girl answered all of the questions and never let the guy order whatever he wanted. Neither group tipped much. The girl wrote on the receipt, saying not to be a homewrecker. 

The delusion of some people was insane. 

By the time the restaurant was closing, I was ready to go home and collapse. Yet, I had to wait for the manager to go over my tips and then tip me out. And then I would have to tip out the runners and the bar. 

My manager handed over a wad of cash. “Alright, you’re all good. It’s ten to bar,” she said, leaning back as I took the cash. 

“Heard. See ya tomorrow,” I responded as I walked out of the manager’s office. I wasn’t paying too much attention to where I was going, relying on my muscle memory of where things were. I just wanted to count out the ten dollars and hand it to the bartenders. 

Luckily, the bartender who was there was someone I actually enjoyed working with. I leaned against the wall as I waited for him to finish his closing duties. “Hey, Jamie,” he said, not even looking up. “If you have your tip out, just put it in the tip jar, I’ll grab it later.” 

“Okay.” I put the cash in the tip jar as I put the rest in my bra. I used to put my cash in my back pocket but after some jackass swiped it, I’ve kept it in my bra. No one would dare try. 

I still didn’t move, having a sense of deja vu. Ugh, I hated that feeling, it just felt as if it was happening more and more lately. “Aren’t you out of here, already? Clocked out and everything? Go home,” he said, stacking the last of the pint glasses. 

Indeed I was. That didn’t mean I had to leave, “Eh. I might as well sleep here, I’m back at ten tomorrow.” The bartender looked at me like I was insane. I never understood how some coworkers kept giving me that look. They should’ve expected it by now. I was always working. I was going to be back the next day and the day after that, and if someone needed their shift covered, I’d be there the day after that. 

“Listen, I think you might need to take a vacation, Jamie. Working as much as you are doesn’t seem too good for your health,” he chided. I shrugged as I moved to put up the bar stools, something that he immediately stopped me from continuing. “Go home, Jay. Go get some sleep.” 

Rolling my eyes, I turned towards the patio door. “Fine, fine! I’m going. I’ll see you tomorrow, Mark. Let me know if you need anything, alright?” I said. I heard him hum behind me as I left out the patio door. It was the easiest way to get to my car. 

That night was just as sleepless as normal. 

I could’ve sworn I was just at work but here I was. I was back in the restaurant, typing in another order that some asshole decided to make. It was a huge order, one that I had to warn the kitchen about. Those orders were the worst. Not only were these people taking up all of my tables, their group was a ten top. I had to stop them from stealing a table from a coworker.

Out of nowhere, all I heard was screaming behind me. Coming from my tables - table. I had to rush over to find out what was going on. They were yelling about how their appetizers hadn’t come out yet. I looked behind me and could clearly see them in the window. With all of my coworkers just mulling around and ignoring them as the food died in the window. 

A surge of annoyance and anger ran through my veins. I apologized, letting them know that the food would be right out, before grabbing their food and bringing it to their table. They still weren’t happy. I wasn’t either, so ready to burst and cuss them out. Instead, I made sure they were okay before going to scream in the walkin freezer. And I did. I screamed so loudly. 

“Jamie! Fucking hell, Jamie, wake the hell up!” 

My eyes flew open as I was being yelled at. I had really been yelling. While dead asleep. Again.  My sister was glaring at me from the doorway, cranky from being woken up. “Great, you’re awake, now shut up!” With that, she left, slamming the door behind her. I groaned and leaned forwards, holding my head in my hands. I was still so tired. I felt as if I hadn’t even gotten any rest but I was sitting in my bed. 

An alarm started going off. My phone. I grabbed my device and stopped the alarm, looking at the time. An hour until I needed to clock in. Shit. 

I rubbed my face, trying to gain some sort of feeling of alertness. Getting up, I went to grab my uniform and pill box before going into the bathroom to change. It was simple to get ready, the drive to work was the more difficult thing. I got dressed and began to brush my teeth, grabbing the cup I used and filling it halfway with water. 

I rinsed and took my meds, including the caffeine pills that I probably shouldn’t be taking. Whatever. It would be fine, it always was. I stared at myself in the mirror for a moment, letting my eyes close for a moment. 

Someone was snapping their fingers in front of my face. 

I opened my eyes to see the tea containers filling in front of me. “Hey, girl, you okay?” my coworker asked, looking at me concerned. I blinked rapidly, glancing between her and the brewing tea in front of me. 

“Uh, yeah, sorry. I just realized I can’t remember if I clocked in or not,” I chuckled awkwardly. “Watch this for me, real quick, yeah?” I didn’t wait for an answer as I went to the system, typing in my number and hoping that I actually had clocked in. As soon as I hit ‘OK’, the screen brought me to a layout of the tables in the dining room. I let out a sigh of relief. I had clocked in. Perfect. 

I went back. “All good. I can clock in.” My coworker smiled as she nodded, heading to her own opening duties. 

The lapse in time should’ve startled me. If it had been the first time, it would’ve. I hated this feeling but it was always ignored. I popped my knuckles, wanting to lessen the tension in my body. 

It didn’t help. 

“Alright, everyone up front!” the opening manager shouted from the front of the dining room. 

I followed as my other front of house coworkers headed to where he was. What a normal morning tradition. Reminders of specials, updates on any events happening that day, notifications of what was and wasn’t out of stock. The same thing happened every day, it was useful but something to easily tune out. 

The only thing I bothered caring to listen to was the list of beers we were out of. “When do you think we’ll get it back up?” I asked, tinting my head to the side as I leaned against the back of a booth. 

The bartender - not Mark - shrugged. “Not sure. Hopefully today but there’s a chance we won’t get new kegs until the end of the week,” she said. 

Low on beer. 

On a Thursday. 

When it was the start of football season. 

That was a recipe for disaster. 

The meeting was adjourned and everyone got ready for the start of the day - the lunch rush. It wasn’t necessarily a rush but most if not all the tables would be filled at some point in the shift. 

It was nearly two and I had only two tables that were just business men on their lunch breaks. They were relatively easy, people like that always tended to be. At that point, they had even paid out already and were finishing up their meal. Two tabs to add to the six others in my checkbook. 

I stood by the host stand, mulling over the schedule for the day. It was so boring and we weren’t really allowed to have our phones on us so the best thing to do was either bother each other or just stare at the schedule. I noticed that I apparently was marked for working that night, too. I did not remember saying that I would work that. 

I debated whether or not it would be worth it to argue with the managers about it. Unless I got it covered, they probably wouldn’t even bother with it. It would be fine. 

I took a look at my tables, both the guys were still chilling. I had gotten all of the dirty plates out of their way and all that was left was their newly refilled drinks and whatever work they had brought with them. This was gonna be the perfect opportunity to catch something of a break. 

Going to the kitchen, I gave a quick nod to one of the cooks. “Hey, can I bum a smoke from ya?” I asked from the edge of the line. 

“Yeah sure. As long as you have a light on your person,” he said. I hummed. I always kept a light on my person. 

He handed over the cigarette and I took it from him with a ‘thanks’. I passed one of my coworkers as I headed outside. “Babysit for me?” 

“Sure, Jay. Just be quick,” they said. “I think you’re third up on rotation.” 

I went outside and sat on the curb, pulling the lighter out from my pocket and lighting the cigarette. I closed my eyes as I took puffs from the cigarette. I was so tired. I probably should try to see if I had any more caffeine pills. I was sure that would give me a quick boost of energy. 

God, I needed a boost. I reached into my server apron to see if I had remembered the small container. I couldn’t find it. I clenched my jaw and kept smoking the source of relief I had. I needed to start bringing my own pack. Maybe that would help. No. No, I needed to limit how much I smoked. I didn’t want to get addicted. But God damn, I really wished I had those caffeine pills on me. I knew my sister wouldn’t bring them to me, she both didn’t know about and hated the pills. 

Whatever. It was fine. I would be fine. I just needed to close my eyes for a moment and relax. 

“Hey!” Someone kicked my foot. I jerked and looked up at them, blinking against the sunlight. “A ten top just sat in your section, you need to go take care of them,” my coworker said hurriedly. I cussed under my breath as I stood up, flicking the burnt out cigarette to the side and stepping on it. 

The two of us hurried inside, me going to the sink to wash my hands and my coworker going back to their own section. How long had I been out there? I peered into the dining room. Both my other tables had been cleaned off, the check trays resting on one of the tables as the other had been pushed together for the group of ten. 

I hated this feeling. The sense of familiarity washed over me. This had happened before. Was this real? Was I dreaming again? Fuck. 

I turned the sink off and stood there for a moment to regain my composure. This had to be real. I had to treat it as if it was, anyways. My dreams had never let me feel this self-aware so this had to be real. 

Wait, but what if it was really just something more detailed. 

I shook my head, letting the shake trail down my body, shaking out my arms as well. I’m sure it was gonna just be fine. I just had to plaster on a fake smile and get through the rest of this shift. Then it would be okay. 

I could go back home and look for something new. Maybe. 

I pulled my notebook from my apron as I walked into the dining room. I quickly picked up the receipts left behind and slid them into the apron before going to where I assumed the middle of the table would be. It was a little off considering it was creating something like a capital ‘L’ or whatever shape it was called when putting three square tables against each other. Either way, it was six adults and four children. Perfect. 

“Hey, friends, how-“ I didn’t get a chance to finish speaking before one of them snapped at me. 

“We’re not your friends.” I looked at them with a deadpan expression, blinking slowly as I processed what they said. They were really upset about how I referred to them? I bet if I said ‘guys and gals’, they would still be upset. Why are people like this? “We need ten waters and four martinis with one dry, one extra dry, one with no olives, and one dirty martini with no olives. Also, two Hazy IPAs - whichever comes with orange or tastes like oranges,” a lady said. I supposed she would be the person I handed the check to. 

I felt my eye twitch as I scrawled the items down as fast as I could. I honestly only remembered, like, half of it. But whatever. I’d deal with it later. “Alright. Anything else?” I asked, instantly regretting my words as they left my mouth. 

“Yes, I wasn’t even finished yet! We need five orders of the fried pickles and three orders of the mozzarella sticks. Also, two side salads with ranch, no tomatoes, with cheese, and extra croutons,” she said as I tried to transcribe everything. I waited for her to continue but instead, she rudely waved me off. 

I forced a smile and nodded before turning to go to the POS machines. Everything else around me had become muffled. The music that had been playing overhead just turned to a mild hum. The chatter from other patrons and coworkers was overlapping and overwhelming. I did my best to take deep breaths and ring in all their orders. 

Wait, did the lady say four martinis or four margaritas? No, she said martinis, they wanted them dry. Two dry, one…dirty? And one with no olives. Wait, no, I had to get the ten waters first. I didn’t want to carry all of them at the same time, I’d probably have to get someone to help out with that. I looked down at my notebook to double check what else I had to order for them. The beers had to be the Blue Moon, that’s the only one I could think of that’s ‘orange’. I wasn’t sure if it was hazy or not but whatever. 

I finished putting in their orders before going to where the drinks were, setting out ten cups before I filled them with ice. I finished them off with water before carefully picking up the tray, carefully stabilizing it on my shoulder. I should’ve asked if they wanted kid waters. Fuck, now it was too late. 

I went back to the table with the cups and was going to set the tray on an empty table but of course, it didn’t want to go my way, “Finally!” One of the people grabbed one of the cups off the tray, completely unstabilizing the balance. I grappled in an attempt to regain stability. I was successful for some of the cups, yet two decided that the floor looked more inviting. Two of the cups fell to the floor, water soaking the floor. “What the hell?!” one of them - the same one that grabbed the water - yelled. 

“I’m so sorry about that!” I said, trying to do damage control. I proceeded to put the tray down, looking around for a coworker who might’ve been able to help. Nope. All of them seemed to disappear. A hole materialized in my gut. Shit, what was going on? Was this actually a dream? I tried to shake it off and handed out the remaining waters. “I’ll be right back to clean that up and-“ 

Again, the group’s leader snapped, “You better! You just got water all over my bag! And we asked for kid’s waters so we didn’t have to deal with shit like this!” I clenched my jaw and nodded, once again just trying to get everything under control. I opened my mouth to respond but they didn’t let me get a word out. “You are absolutely the worst server I’ve ever had! How fucking stupid are you?!” 

My mouth hung open at her words. There’s no way someone actually was saying this, right? I looked around and saw no one else but patrons. This had to be a dream. I went to the back and grabbed a towel, going to grab their martinis and beers before heading back. I handed them their drinks silently before going to wipe up the split water. 

Nothing felt right. If nothing was right, then this had to be a dream. There was no other option. It all felt kind of hopeless in a way. I continued wiping up the water and closed my eyes for a moment while doing so. “God, service has been going down lately. No one knows how to work,” the lady said. 

I tried to ignore her. I tried but then I heard her yelling. Complaining. I didn’t want to deal with it. 

I stood from where I had been, cleaning. Her words as they yelled at me only fell on deaf ears. I couldn’t hear her, only focusing on the ringing sound. It was a high pitched ringing that just…sent me over the edge. 

Without blinking, I picked up the glass of water and poured it over her head. Her yelling turned to screaming. I did the same with her martini, responding, “You should be kinder.” I set the glass back down and just looked at her, a small sense of relief coming over me. Someone grabbed my arm and pulled me away from the table. 

I blinked, coming face-to-face with my coworker who looked at me stunned, “Dude, as awesome as that was, you’re going to get into so much trouble!” she said, trying to hold back a laugh. Fuck. It was real. 

I really needed a new job.